A Review of The Movies

Earlier this week, my girlfriend and I went to the movie theater to watch, well, a movie. In this case it was Sinners, directed by Ryan Coogler. Everywhere I saw people say it was well worth seeing on “the big screen.” People were wrong.

Now look, I’m sure that if you live in the Hollywood Hills with your Lamborghini's in your Lamborghini account going to the theater to see Sinners is the best way to see the movie. You probably have an Imax or something. Maybe they’re showing it on real proper Film. The issue is that, well, most people don’t live in the lap of such luxury. I wasn’t born with a silver screen in my mouth, you know?

We have, broadly, two types of theaters in the city where I live. First, and best, is the independent theater. We have two, but one of them^[*] really only focuses on showing Movies (the other often has live shows, but does show films on occasion). Unfortunately, the independent theater is undergoing renovations at this time which means a) they don’t have very many available screens and b) they are only open in the late afternoon, which interferes with my girlfriend’s work schedule. Even at the best of times, their small size and focus on showing arthouse and foreign films means they rarely get big Hollywood blockbusters, so we couldn’t see Sinners there anyways.

Second, we have the chain theaters. You’re probably familiar with these, it’s your Cinemark, your Harkin’s, your Whatevers. Some of them are regional, some of them are international. These theaters have significantly more screens than the independent theater and get every blockbuster. These are the ones that get to show Sinners. When a big blockbuster or event movie comes out and you hear “oh, you gotta see it on the big screen,” these are the screens.

Now, over the years, my girlfriend and I have tried most of the available chains. Across the Spiderverse was almost a silent movie for how muted the dialogue was. The theatrical re-release of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon made the bold decision to release in the form of a trapezoidal aspect ratio, as opposed to the more traditional rectangle of the films original run. Asteroid City was just outright cropped, resulting in a claustrophobic experience, and when the movie started using subtitles for that kids song only the top half of the top line was visible. The last straw was a failed attempt to watch Godzilla Minus One. That was only showing in the chains Big Fancy Room. Reclining chairs, a bigger screen, and oh yeah all the audio levels were cranked so high we couldn’t even make it through the opening credits.

So, all of those were out. There’s one last chain we hadn’t tried yet, however, because it’s kind of weird. See, we have a dinner theater in town. “Why don’t we go there for lunch?” I suggested.

This dinner theaters target demographic seems to be people on a date, which is perfect for seeing a movie with ones girlfriend. They don’t allow small children, they have a fully stocked bar, the seats are grouped in pairs so you can easily hold hands during the scary parts. Surely, given all of that, they’d at least give the smallest shit about showing the actual fucking movie properly, right?

Walking in and picking up our tickets was largely painless. It was a weekday matinee, so the ticket prices were surprisingly cheap. Presumably the main source of income is the food, which as you will soon see is highway robbery.

We skipped the bar, deciding to focus on just getting to our seats and ordering lunch. The seats were very soft recliners, so soft that there ended up being no back support whatsoever. For a few minutes this was uncomfortable, for two hours it was miserable. For someone with chronic pain like me, those two hours have extended into literal days. I still wake up sore from those awful chairs. This has never happened to me at any other theater.

During the trailers, we ordered our food. This was an ordeal, as the trailers were quite loud and I found it difficult to focus on the menu. My girlfriend got some chicken strips, and I got a burger and fries. For drinks we both had water, since the beer menu was sorely lacking.^[†] For those counting, this means lunch was in the area of $15-18 per person. Not the cheapest fare, but on par with other sit down restaurants.

While we waited for our food, I noticed something odd about the trailers. They were both letterboxed and pillarboxed, and tilted as if the projector had lost one of its legs and was hastily propped up a small stack of pamphlets. Oh No.

During the last trailer (I can’t even remember what it was for, they all looked awful), our food arrived.^[‡] As the lights dimmed, I crunched into a fry. Like, really crunched. A few fries more confirmed what that first bite suggested: these were wildly overcooked and woefully undersalted.

The lights dimmed, and the movie began. After a brief narration, Miles Caton’s Sammy appeared on screen, entering his fathers church. The church was dimly lit, almost as if it was night, and the faces were all subtly blurred. Was this some strange avant-garde filmmaking choice from Coogler? Entering us into a moment of unreality?

No, the projection was just dark and blurry. Where there should be actors faces, I instead saw vague shadows. Any facial acting done in the film was lost, obscured behind this unfortunate veil.

I took a bite of my burger. It was dry. Multiple sauces were listed on the ingredients, but I guess none of them made it in. In fact, I’m not sure what made it in. I could taste the unseasoned patty and the dry bread, but nothing else. I covered it up with Heinz Ketchup, and choked the rest of my meal down during the films opening act.

Sammy and Stack go for a drive, and though their mouths open, words only occasionally seem to come out of them. The rest of the soundscape is the dull rumble of the cars engine, overpowering the dialogue and the music. When the villains of the movie arrive, I found myself wondering why this vampire movie has no blood. Then I thought maybe it does have blood, and I just can’t see it; the vampires only come out at night after all, and if the daylight scenes are muddy then the nighttime scenes are downright unwatchable.

There’s both a midcredits scene and an end credits scene in Sinners. The midcredits scene offers some closure for Sammy, but as the credits had already begun the rest of the audience didn’t care. They talked through the whole scene, leaving my girlfriend and me to strain to hear the already muffled dialogue. The end credits scene is perhaps less important, which lessens the blow of the theaters staff entering the auditorium and loudly talking over it.

I was told that Sinners was worth seeing on the big screen. When we got home, I pulled up the trailer for Sinners on my phone. The picture was brighter, cleaner. The dialogue was no longer muffled behind the ambient noise of the scene. If we had waited, we would have seen a better version of the movie, even if we had watched it on a phone screen.

That day we swore off going to the movies, unless it was being shown at the independent theater. If only one theater cares enough to properly show the movie, then only one theater is worth our time and money. The chain theaters won’t miss us, I’m sure. If losing audiences who care about seeing films in the best possible way hurt their bottom line at all they would hire dedicated projectionists and sound technicians. In the grimdark future of 2025, ensuring movies are best on the big screen is bad for business, especially if that business is showing movies on the big screen.

The next day, the independent theater announced that they would no longer be accepting federal funding. In the current political climate, this was likely the best option for both the theater and the community it serves. I hope they can survive on donations and concessions, but given the ongoing renovations this is a rather bad time to lose any source of income.

It sucks out here.

[*] This one happens to be a nonprofit by the way. Keep this in mind, it will be relevant later.

[†] The menu made a lot of fuss about their local beers on tap, but somehow managed to exclusively get the worst of the local options. Even the other chains have better beers!

[‡] Credit where credit is due, the service was great. There is nothing our waitress could have possibly done better, and everything that follows is of no fault of hers.